By Vernon Vexfire PHLEGETHONDELPHIA — In a ceremony thick with brimstone, bad coffee, and the usual academic throat-clearing, Ember Wang of Guilotine-on-the-Styx

By Sammy Sizzle, Senior Tongue-Tormentor and Certified Snack Exorcist For eons, demons have associated smash-tam with shredded green screechfruit, that tart little

By Lucius Brimstone INFERNOBLEM — Each spring, just as the faithful press their petitions into the ancient cracks of the Wailing Furnace,

Oh wowie, little imps and goblin pals! Mischief Malachite here, age seven hundred and three quarters, with the best toy ever smuggled

By Lucius Brimstone NEW DAMNATION — Supporters of the youth-led Cockroach Crusade vowed Tuesday to continue their protest in the capital’s Ash

By Hank Hellbound, reporting live from the scorch marks on the touchline. Folks, the Underworld Cup has ended, the lava sprinklers are

By Vernon Vexfire CINDERGRAD — In yet another cheerful reminder that diplomacy is often just arson with better stationery, Tsar Vladmir Charputin

Please send the title and summary of the top news article, and Quinn Qryptic will descend from his smoke-filled bunker to expose

By Evelyn Ember BRIMSTONE-ON-ABYSS — The first common screechwings of spring have returned to the Wailing Wall of Brimstone, and with them,